Fries

I know you’re hurting.
So am I.
Believe me when I say this isn’t something I want.
I don’t want to give up on us.
I mean in all honesty, you’re all I’ve got.
Why would anyone give up something wonderful (and believe me when I say you are wonderful) to be left with nothing?
Come Monday, I’ll be spending lunch by myself in the library for heaven’s sake.
And I’m not THAT introversive.
So why am I doing it?
It literally pained my heart when you tried to fight for us to stay together at the end, even when you said you wouldn’t.
And I know. I know you don’t want us to split.
And I know how much it’s going to hurt.
I know because I’m hurting just the same.
I mean this decision was made easy when it seemed as though you didn’t want us anymore. If you don’t want it then I guess I’ve already lost you anyway you know?
And now that I know you not only still like me but you love me, that you lean on me in ways I didn’t know about, when I was asking you if you thought our relationship would succeed, I was ready to give in and go back to you.
So why did I stop? Because that would have been selfish.
I know you’re afraid to let go, that you’re not sure whether or not you’ll be the same after I’m out of your life. All that time you’ve spent with me, you’re scared that you won’t have anyone else to fill that space when I’m gone.
But Anne, I know deep inside, you’ll agree when I say our relationship lately has caused you more pain than it has happiness. We go for days angry and upset with each other, not talking for hours at a time, coming across a good day once in a while, only to start fighting again after we get home.
I’m breaking up now because I don’t want to fight through December and end up in the same place come Winter Break.
I’m dead weight Anne. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I can only take you so far. The problems that you’re facing right now, they’re not normal. You might say that they’re “nothing to worry about” but they ARE. You need someone that can be there for you. I forget what I had written on my final draft of the proposal letter, but in the original, I had written something like “I might not be able to drive you places, buy you fancy things, take you on dates, but I’ll always love you, and I hope that’ll be enough.” But I love you, and I’ve found that it’s just not enough. Even after we get over all our fuss, there’s still one obstacle I can’t get past for you - parents. My mom yells at me for walking down to the cars with you. Do you really want to be with someone that has that much restriction? I’m your neighbor for goodness sakes and I see you less than most people at school. You might tell yourself that it’s okay, that you can make do with what we have, but you can’t, and you shouldn’t have to. And if you’re not willing to go and find the person that can give you the attention you deserve, this is me making it easier for you.
I woke up today, not feeling free and light-hearted, but as if I’ve been drowning in my sleep all night. I still checked my phone in the morning to see if you’ve texted or not. I checked your blog and your facebook although I know you deleted me. You’re still in my heart Anne, and I don’t ‘think that’s going to change any time soon. I love you. And that’s why I have to let you go. 
I hope from our almost 5 months together, you’ve learned a little. I sure have. I hope I’ve taught you to open up to people. You’re strong, incredibly strong, but you don’t have to be. Like you said, your friends value your friendship. Don’t let them think that you don’t. I hope you’ve learned to do things you’ve never done before, go outside your comfort zone a little, fight for what you want in life. And I hope you don’t take this break up as a failure on your part. Please don’t think it’s because you’re not good enough. Your mom is an idiot, no offense. You’re worth it. You’re worth much more than what you’re getting, and unlike your mom, I’m giving it to you. 
I know if I leave even a little bit of hope of getting back together, you won’t move on in your life, you’ll just wait for me to return. So here it is. This is it. No turning back. This is the end. Go live your life Anne. You have an incredibly vibrant personality. The side of you that I’ve been privileged to be a part of, I see it coming out bit by bit with others, and that’s how I know you’ll be okay. You’re opening up. You’re crossing that private/public face barrier. You’re having fun without me. You have people to fall back on who truly care about you. You’re going to be just fine Anne Ning, I promise you.
So go out and have adventures. Thank you for all the memories.
I changed the password and email to this blog because I know you’d try and delete it on days you miss me the most. But I’m sorry I can’t let you. I’m not going to pretend like you didn’t exist or that we never happened. It was real. It might not have been all shiny and pretty, but what we felt was real. But even two star athletes don’t always make the best team when they play together. It does not mean they are horrible players individually. You are the first girl I’ve ever been in love with Anne. I will never forget you, nor will I try to. I don’t regret it. I don’t feel as if I’ve wasted my time or energy or love. I just don’t want to waste yours anymore. And this is the only way you’ll let me do that.
I wish you the best of luck dear, and I hope one day, some day, you’ll let me slip into your life again.
I miss you already.
Be strong.

Love,
Ben

if you read this 
i love you
you don’t think so
but i do

we’re breaking up because i told you i didn’t like you
and it was stupid of me to say it like that
but to a certain extent it was true

i guess sometimes i just don’t like you
it’s hard to like someone you’ve lost touch with
but i’ll always love you
see, they’re two different things to me
like and love
i might not like you on certain days
but since i love you
i stick around
does that make sense?

i might tell you this tomorrow
but i’ll probably decide not to
you seem pretty set on breaking up
so i shouldn’t expect to change your mind
i just wanted you to know

i love you

and i’m sorry

i’ll stop being mad.

i’ll stop being so whiny.

I want to make this work.

But it won’t work if there’s only a 10 minute window to talk to you everyday.

after you get over your jetlag, sleepyhead.
No more ocean separating us now!
Only an ugly brick wall.
And parents.
Just parents.
I have lots of things to tell you.
I just don’t have you long enough to tell them.

I do not know why I’m so tired today but believe me when i say it was a struggle to keep my head off the desk from 9 to 12. A struggle that I eventually lost at around 11ish. Woke up at 11 40ish RIGHT before my officemate (Kevin) walked in. I am a lucky boy. But I was so exhausted… Yesterday night even I couldn’t keep my eyes open so I had to tell you I was going to bed. It was either that or fall asleep on you which I would NEVER do… glare Anyways. Nothing much at work. I screwed up matching the colors for the wire I was making today because some idiot company decided to swap every other color… So I found out AFTER I soldered them all together and shrunk the rubber coverings. So I spent 4 hours doing a 2 hour job. Yay me. Came home, played ball with my sis. I played shirtless (don’t get too excited now) to get rid of my farmer’s tan HAHA. I hope itdoesnt just make my neck and face blacker… Let’s hit the beaches when you come back :) Did I tell you my sister’s grounded? She asked my mom if her “best friend” who’s a guy from Korea could come stay at our house. She asked where he would sleep and she casually suggested he sleep in her room. Yes. It gets better. When my mom recovered from that doozy my sister went with plan B, volunteering my room. HELL NO. I don’t know who she thinks she is but that boy is not setting foot in my room. But yeah, she got hammered for that one. What my parents didn’t know is that the boy had an insane crush on my sis (my sis told me before) and yet my sister is confident that they are “just friends” now. Oh and that kid wrote her a goodbye letter mentioning condoms and penises. Apparently he’s “a lot more mature now” and a year is more than enough time to make it so that he can sleep in the same room without feeling anything. Right. Well not my little sister. Not on my watch. So I supported my parents HAHA. and Helen knows she was pushing it. Now she has no phone and her computer is parental controlled. Poor kid. I gave her a big brother talk though. Gave her some strategy lessons. She can be really naiive sometimes. Anyways, that’s the story. Of course I wouldnt have a problem if you stayed over but that’s a different story :) hypocritical you say? Privelege comes with age. We all know this. Other than that, like I said, I’m mad tired so imma get ready for bed. Hopefully you’ll shoot me a text before I sleep for good but no promises today. Video video video. Post post post. Fry fry fry. I miss my lion cub.